Archive for March 24th, 2010

On the Wearing of Plastic Pants

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010

While there are many among us who require a short trouser that will allow us to sit in puddles in a warm climate, there are very few options within the sport garment industry to meet this need. After years of searching and threats, K has taken matters into his own hands to fabricate a pair of plastic shorts. While others seem content to loaf around in a full foulweather trouser in warm periods of high moisture, K prefers to have a wet ass. The issue has always been heat… with a choice of heat vs. dampness, K will pick wet every time.

He has a flawless and succinct philosophy on the folly of avoiding moisture which goes like this: We are all sopping wet less than a millimeter beneath our skin therefore we should not be too worried about a little wetness on the other side. K claims credentials on subcutaneous wetness by his early career in a machine shop where he was routinely escorted to the infirmary, holding one bloody dripping hand in the other.

And yet some limited waterproof protection in just the right area would vastly reduce the amount of salty wet clothes to be processed. Of course the other option is to wear no clothes, but there are imaginable bad effects to the delicate assidophilus after prolonged stewing in a crusty brine. This is the genesis for the plastic short. While there is no need to avoid a few droplets on your knees, a plastic short would allow mankind to sit anywhere without looking for a dry spot.

There are a very small handful of examples of waterproof shorts in the sporting industry but they are rare as Cowry Spit and extremely expensive. The next obvious choice was to cut the legs off a pair of standard plastic foulies. It turns out there is a non-intuitive relationship between the human anatomy and the cut of a standard short trouser. Even after careful consideration, leg #1 of the plastic short had a rather high cut on the outer seam. Leg #2 was similarly trimmed in the interests of aesthetic balance. The result was a strangely comforting diaper cut with a wide range of leg motion. Happily, what began as an undersight turned out to be a feature for maximum action, ventilation, and pocket access, after all we need not recline like Romans on our hips in a briny puddle, we just need to sit in it.

There was early discussion on what to wear under a such a plastic short. It is clear that in mixed and sensitive company it should be worn as on over-short. In periods of sloth or infancy regression there are no such requirements, these bad boys will hold their own straight off the galley cutting board.

17°28.15’N 116°36.29’W 24-Mar-10 03:17 UTC